Monthly Archives: January 2013

The Princess and the Hospital

We continue to shake our head. Since the horrific events a month ago in Sandy Hook, over 100,000 people have signed up with the NRA – the national rifle association. The cost to belong to this group is $25 and you get a free NRA baseball cap. We actually went online to their site and saw for ourselves that one can become a lifetime member for $1000 payable over 40 months at $25 per month.

This next line comes directly from their site: The most important benefit of NRA membership, is the defense of your Constitutional right to keep and bear arms. Guess that says it all. The constitutional right to own a machine gun in Boston or New York or Newtown is more important than trying to put an end to a culture of violence. Pretty sad commentary on life south of the border.

Princess Pauline is at it again. Before we launch into her latest escapade take note: We predict she will back down from this latest announcement as she did from others.  It sounds like she is trying very hard to destabilize the province. There can be no other reason why she keeps looking to antagonize people for no reason.

The princess wants to pull Lachine Hospital out of the McGill University Health Centre in order to preserve its francophone “vocation.” There was no discussion, no warning and there’s no reason to do this. The hospital runs just fine, no one complains about any language issues, they are set to make a huge $60 million renovation and she wants to pull the plug. Someone needs to save her from herself or, even better, send her very far away for a very long time. She is the worst thing that has happened to this province in a very long time. Feh. Feh. Feh.

Blanche, go git the tent. Doesn’t matter if it’s winter, we’re gonna lend it to the princess. Seems she needs to take a rest from her job. She’s workin to hard and it’s affectin her head. Ya, good idea there to send her to watch the whales in Antarctica. She sure won’t havta to worry about who speaks French or English! Whales don’t talk! Hahaha! Ok, you kin lend her yer mother’s old fur coat. It’s pretty cold up there and if she wears it outside she’ll git rid of that Charlie perfume smell ur mother used to wear. Woof, that was bad.

Jack Lew is the new Treasury Secretary of the United States.
He is listed as an Orthodox Jew and a liberal Democrat. He also has the weirdest signature we have ever seen. A graphologist would have a field day with him.  Time will tell how he does. One thing is for sure – he’s entering a position that is a virtual minefield. We don’t envy him one bit.

Guess who got inducted into the baseball hall of fame this year? No one. Guess who cares? No one. On Wednesday, the Baseball Writers Association of America announced that not a single player on the 2013 ballot—including Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens—got enough votes for entry into the hall. It’s only the eighth time in the sport’s history no one was voted in. It happened because 2013 marks the first year of eligibility for Bonds and Clemens, unquestionably the best hitter and pitcher of their era, but also tainted by its shameful performance-enhancing drugs scandals.
At least some people in the US still have morals, unlike the NRA.

So it wasn’t raining or snowing, we didn’t have an ice storm, it wasn’t windy and yet over 100,000 people lost their electricity this afternoon.
Our lights flickered just before 4:00 pm and we said – uh oh, somebody lost their power.  And we were correct.  According to Hydro Quebec, the problem, which has yet to be identified, was quickly fixed as by 4:30 only 40,000 people had no power! 40,000 people! That’s fixed!!! May we suggest Inspector Clouseau be put in charge of this mystery and send the bill to the princess.

We hope that you did not put the barf bag away.
You may need it for this. Bill Clinton, yes the beloved husband of Hillary, dear father of Chelsea and good friend of Monica, has been named father of the year by the National Father’s Day Council. What? You’re surprised? Oh, maybe you were remembering certain, shall we say, indiscretions in the White House a few years ago. They certainly wouldn’t have bestowed the award at that time. How soon we forget. That award should share shelf space with Obama’s Nobel peace prize. Both the men and the organizations that deliver these awards are the real prizes here.

Good Shabbos,

We’ll talk…

Chocolate without the Guilt!

This morning we read that being slightly overweight can increase your lifespan.  First we ran to eat come chocolate without feeling guilty – delish! Then we thought to ourselves – too good to be true. And we were correct. This new study took someone with a BMI – Body Mass Index of grade 1 (slightly overweight) and said that person could live longer than one of those dudes or dudettes who eat 2 peas, a carrot and 4 green beans for dinner and always look as though they are ready to keel over.

A bit of explanation. BMI is when they grab the fat under your arms and measure it with some kind of device. (Not appealing at all) Depending on the reading of that device, you get your BMI. Grade 1 is overweight, but not bad. It gets worse from there. The problem with this latest study, which we figured out after the chocolate, was that it’s not the weight that’s the problem, it’s the result of the weight. Like diabetes and high blood pressure. Blanche, put away those cookies. And don’t go sayin that they’re attached and ya gotta eat the whole kittenkaboodle.

For this next piece you need the extra large barf bag. Ready? Al Gore sold his television network called Current TV to Al Jeezra. Yes, you read correctly. Why did he sell it for $500 million and keep $20 million for himself? Hold the bag close: Because Al Jeezra shares the same common goals as his TV network does: To give voice to those who are not typically heard; to speak truth to power; to provide independent and diverse points of view; and to tell the stories that no one else is telling.

The only thing to say here is that someone has to save America from itself. Otherwise the bleeding-heart-liberal-tree-huggers will continue to run it into the ground until there’s nothing left of it. So far they seem to be doing a good job.

Ever go to the gym and feel like you don’t belong? You know, when you get on the treadmill and slowly start walking cause you haven’t exercised for a long time and right beside you is a toned, fit, tanned, thin person running so fast you don’t need a fan. Take heart. Gyms in America are beginning to wake up to the fact that there are many more of ‘us’ than ‘them’. So many in fact, that one gym franchise in the US is shelling out about $10 million in advertising, aimed at us. And their slogan? No Gymtimidation!  No one will glance in your direction with that ever-so slight sneer if you are huffing and puffing after 2 pushups (and that’s a stretch!) And if they do – poof! they are out the door. We’ll keep you posted on this one. In the meantime, we are about to purchase our very first schvimkleit so we can dash into the pool in the latest fashion!

Here’s something to think about. If Hillary Clinton runs for president in 2016 she will be 69 years old. Ronald Reagan was elected at that age. But he did not have her problem, blood clots. She has to make it very clear that this second bout of blood clots (the first was in 1998, but much less significant) will in no way affect or hinder her if she wins. In other words, and to be very blunt, she won’t suffer a deadly stroke or something of the sort due to an underlying condition while in office. If she gets it under control and has no further incidents, she may be ok. If not, maybe Chelsea will run in her stead! Not!

Guess what they didn’t tell you about the fiscal cliff and the passage of that bill? Quietly tucked into the 500 pages or so of the bill but a few segments of society who will benefit from the passage of said bill:

Rum Producers: It is U.S. policy to tax rum producers like Diageo and Bacardi nearly $14 for every gallon of rum they make outside the country and sell in the U.S. But the tax is merely gimmick that gets reinvested in the Virgin Islands and the Puerto Rico in the form of aid. This gimmick has been extended by the bill.

Electric Scooter Riders: People using electric scooters will continue to get a discount on their taxes. Drivers of two- and three-wheel plug-in electric vehicles get a tax break in the legislation. As a way to incentivize alternative energy transportation, Congress voted to continue to give up to $2,500 in tax credits to individuals who purchase plug-in wheels.

And now for the tree-hugger parts: 1. Congress voted to extend $59 million in tax credits for algae growers, who are trying to find a way to produce a biofuel from the plant.
2. Asparagus producers got an extension of their market loss assistance payment, which compensates farmers who for lost revenues because of a spike in foreign asparagus imports

There’s more but we fear if we give away all the secrets you may start watching Al Jeezra.

Good Shabbos,