Monthly Archives: February 2016

Agent 728: I will slap you so hard even Google won’t be able to find you. Not anymore dearie.

Hillary is swimming in brown business and might be well advised to get a wet suit. Her latest defense for making closed-door, richly-paid speeches to big banks and then refusing to release the transcripts is that ““I am happy to release anything I have when everybody else does the same, because every other candidate in this race has given speeches to private groups.”

Ah Madame Hillary, there’s a small difference here. You took $675,000 to make a speech to Goldman Sachs. She went on to complain that people are picking on her. Boohoo. Here’s why: she personally earned $11 million in 2014 and the first quarter of 2015 for 51 speeches to banks and other groups and industries.

She’s unlikable because she’s unlikable. She pretends to be like every other American when in fact she fancies herself much greater than every American. She’s fake and can’t hide it. We have an idea. Next time she goes out to speak somewhere she should put a brown paper bag over head. The unknown politician. At least no one will be able to take a bad picture of her. Hehehehehehe.

Here’s something that won’t surprise you.
While Apple continues to try to fight the FBI order to unlock a terrorists phone, support from the tech world is starting to pour in.

Soon after Microsoft announced it’s decision to back Apple’s legal battle with its own brief, Facebook, Google and Amazon have stepped in and are reportedly working on similar legal briefs to offer support in court.

We hope you are not shocked by this development. What we don’t get, and we are far from techies, is that most of our information is already out there. We have no fear that Apple is going to hack into our phone because the government already knows the color of our underwear.

This battle is over national security. Yes it’s true Big Brother is watching you. It’s also true the bad guys want to do us in and if there is information on that phone that can stop some other nutball with a gun, we say get it.

Lest you think Apple will ever let this happen again, think again. Engineers have begun developing new security measures that would make it impossible for the government to break into a locked iPhone using methods similar to those now at the center of a court fight in California. The fat lady has not sung on this one yet.

In the this-can’t-be-true department, it was learned recently that when Hillary was a child – yes Blanche, she was once young – she had a cat named…ready?…Isis. We don’t make up the news folks, we just report it.

As Donald Trump surges in the polls, Canada is trying to make it even easier for anyone, even a horrified American, to obtain Canadian citizenship. No doubt a total coincidence, wink wink, nudge nudge.

The bill would shorten the residency requirement, meaning someone who began their application around, say, Super Tuesday (next week), could conceivably become a citizen almost two full years before Trump’s first term ends. Cape Breton here we come.

Did you know that this is the summer of the olympics? Did you know they are going to be held in Brazil? Organizers of the 2016 Olympics are facing an uphill task in their bid to convince the international sports community that the games will be spared the effects of the mysterious Zika virus. In fact, they won’t be spared.

Rio’s organizing committee said there would be no danger of Zika to athletes or travelers, but urged extensive use of protective measures, especially mosquito repellent. Exactly how do they know who is going to be bitten, or not bitten by a mosquito? Blanche, these people have totally lost their marbles.

Coupled with the fact that Rio’s water is totally polluted and long distance swimming, sailing and rowing events will take place in water littered with garbage that has to be pushed away is beyond gross.

This olypmics business is a crock. Rio doesn’t have two cents to rub together and they are spending billions on what? So someone can jump over hurdles in 2 minutes? Or swim .10 seconds faster than someone else?  The whole thing stinks and will stink a lot more near the water over there.

Don’t mess with Agent 728 aka Stephanie Trudeau of the Montreal Police force. Did you see that chick? She chews nails and spits battleships along with putting innocent people in headlocks and spraying bystanders with pepper spray. She was found guilty today with a severe tongue lashing from the judge. Blanche, ya think da judge is afraid da agent will come and beat the daylights out of her?

What’s up with Zaidy Bernie (Sanders) that he can’t say he’s Jewish? He help Rabbi Raskin light the menorah in Vermont years ago. He lived on a kibbutz in Israel. His parents were both Jewish. Get a life dude and start being proud of your roots. Remember, if you forget where you came from you are doomed for the future. Well, we kind of made that up but it’s true. One can never forget who they are. For starters because everyone else will remind them.

Zaidy Bernie, time to get real.

Good Shabbos
We’ll talk…

Apparently, when you treat people like they treat you, they get offended. Who Knew?

The mayor of Montreal, Denis Coderre is turning out to be just like the rest of the dudes who took that job with one caveat – he has a big mouth. Instead of short-man syndrome (we all know a few of those losers), he has big-man syndrome. Same thing. A lot of bluff with no substance and an over-inflated ego.

In the mother-of-all-genius moves, he has decided that he is going to save the whales, trees and turtles by banning plastic bags in 2018. And those water bottles? Gonzo as well.

This is definitely a move to hide behind the real issues which are: that the infrastructure in this city is crumbling faster than a shortbread cookie; a contract worth a cool $400,000 went without tender to a law firm where Denis Coderre’s personal lawyer works – quel surprise; Lest we forget the $40 lights on the Champlain bridge; small businesses taxed to death with no end in sight and closing at an alarmingly rapid rate; the same brain-dead people work on ‘fixing’ streets such as St. Laurent and St. Denis in a never-ending job. Blanche, remember: follow the money.

Ted Cruz needs a towel with him at all times to wipe off the slime. Ich. Lest you think we exaggerate, get this one – Cruz accepted an endorsement from Mike Bickle, an evangelical leader being scrutinized for preaching that G-d sent Hitler to hunt the Jews. Wait, Blanche, it gets much better.

Cruz claims Bickle is pro-Israeli. Cruz needs a lobotomy. Bickle’s public views on Israel are entirely devoted to an end-times prophecy in which Jews and Israel must repent for not accepting you-know-who as the Messiah. Bickle’s ministry, the International House of Prayer, in Grandview, Missouri is defined by a quest to cure Israel and Jews around the world of their “spiritual blindness” to J.

If this is Cruz’s idea of someone who supports Jews and Israel he needs new advisers. Oh wait, he doesn’t need new advisers if this is what he really believes.

And then there’s Hillary. Never mind the email business, she’s in hot water because of the insider and top secret speeches she gave to Goldman Sachs and other big banks. Did you know Blanche, that the lovely Mrs. Clinton is trying to block the media from seeing a word of those speeches? What’s she hiding?

Remember when she announced she was running for president? When she stood in front of a modest house with a white picket fence and said to middle America, “I’m one of you. I understand you.” What a crock. Remember girlies, there’s a special place in he.l for women who don’t support other women.

Blanche, go git the blindfold quick.
There’s a new study saying that turning the lights out or wearing a blindfold while we’re eating could be a quick way to lose weight. Who knew?

The eat-in-the-dark-trick works because it stops people from eating for pleasure. Really? What’s left? No plastic bags, no water bottles and now we can’t enjoy our food?

Eating in the dark triggers a part of the brain that is worried that unseen food may be rotten without visual clues to show it is fresh. How about smelling it? Naw, that’s way to easy.

People also overestimate how much they have eaten and therefore eat much less. Of course the side benefit is also saving money on electricity by turning out the lights.

Imagine sitting down to eat. Blanche, you blindfold me and I’ll blindfold you. Wow, it’s so dark. Wait. Where’s the fork? And my drink. Oops, it spilled. Sorry. Where’s the plate? Did you cut the meat? This could be one of the most idiotic studies known to man.

Sunny ways, sunny ways. Imagine Justin is still busy with sunny ways even while giving it to us by saying, oh well, we said a $10 billion deficit and now it’s $30 billion and counting. Fear not fellow Canadians. Justin’s pretty face and good hair will be enough to make everyone feel good when he raises taxes because he lied through his teeth when campaigning. Don’t you love politicians? Don’t you wonder who teaches them how to lie with such a straight face and sunny ways? Fech.

In the can-this-be-true column, beginning Aug. 1 Texans who legally own guns (all of them) will be able to carry their concealed weapons on the campuses of the state’s public universities.

Some faculty at the University of Houston appear concerned over what the new law might mean for their safety, so the school recently presented a Powerpoint  suggesting ways in which teachers may reduce their chances of being murdered by their students:
Be careful discussing sensitive topics
Drop certain topics from your curriculum
Do Not “go there” if you sense anger
Limit student access off hours

Welcome to the wild west. And here’s a tip from Blanche. Don’t go to the University of Houston.

We saved the best or worst for last. The McGill university Student Society, ostensibly completely unaccountable and untouchable by the board of directors or governors, passed a BDS motion yesterday.

Lest you live under a rock you will  know that BDS stands for Boycott, Divest and Sanction Israel due to their terrible treatment of the poor Palestinians. There is no barf bag big enough for this one.

McGill authorities should be hanging their heads in shame. The BDS movement is another slick way of being an anti-semite. Nothing more or less. And if you think it’s any better anywhere else, take the needle out of your arm. The BDS/anti-semitic movement is alive and well all over Europe and in many, many US universities.

Take heed, don’t let your guard down, watch your back and be a proud Jew, especially those on campus. And do not give a cent to McGill.

We’ll talk…

Trump’s Motto: No Need for Revenge. Just Sit Back and Wait. Those Who Said Idiotic Things Will Screw Up Themselves & If You’re Lucky You Can Watch Them Do It.

In case you’re bored, here’s something for you to do. Google jebbush.com. Da logical place to wind up is Jeb Bush’s site. Alas Blanche, dats not da case.

Someone dropped the ball and or fell asleep at the wheel in Bush’s entourage and forgot to renew the name. Guess who bought it? Donald Trump. So when you type in jebbush.com you go directly to Donald Trump’s site. It’s actually quite funny and shows how on the ball Trump and his team are.

Trump took on the Pope today, who mixed in where he has no business mixing in.The Pope had finished visiting Mexico and made sure to include a stop at the border where The Donald wants to put up a huge wall. While speaking to reporters on the ‘papal plane'(Ever hear of a ‘rabbi plane? We thought not but we digress.) he was asked what he thought of Trump’s campaign pledge to build a wall along the entire length of the border and expel millions of people in the U.S. illegally.

“A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.” It took Trump about fifteen minutes to respond, which he did brilliantly: “For a religious leader to question a person’s faith is disgraceful. I am proud to be a Christian, and as president I will not allow Christianity to be consistently attacked and weakened.”

Trump also raised the prospect of the Islamic State extremist group attacking the Vatican, saying that if that happened, “the pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president because this would not have happened.” Ouch. Someone should remind the Pope that he’s not running for any political position.

While it is true that those who drive dump trucks are not surgeons, they must have some kind of brain between their ears. Alas, it seems that is not always the case as we were witness to today.

Some dude driving one of those monster dump trucks that haul away the snow tried crossing the Mercier bridge with  the back all the way up. He proceeded to smash into the overhead structure on the bridge, got stuck and bent the steel girder from the force of the hit. Now that is a genius move. The bridge was closed all morning so that engineers could verify if there was any serious damage, which mercifully there was not. Away donc la. Poutine anyone?

You know those good news bad news stories? Well, the mother of all those stories was told yesterday by Bombardier. First the good news: They finally sold some C series planes after two years of trying. Now the bad news: They are laying off 7000 workers, 2400 of them here in la Belle Province. There are a few kickers here, not the least of which that is since the Couillard government gave Bombardier a $1.3 billion subsidy last fall, its accounting department was moved to Costa Rica, while other jobs have been or will soon be shifted to Mexico, India, Morocco and Romania.

Wait, it gets better. Bombardier now wants another billion from provincial to be matched by the federal government. Can we talk? Who’s running the show there? Are they accountable to anyone? Let’s see now. NO. It is obvious that the ‘executives’ running this company feel like our pockets are their money trees.

The other piece of this puzzle is who bought the planes. Air Canada. It’s a tad on the strange side that the only airline in the world, Canada’s official airline, was the one who bought planes from Bombardier. Doesn’t it sound like insiders in both Bombardier and Air Canada made something a little extra on this pretty deal?

You be the judge on this one.
The FBI could not unlock the  iPhone of one of the killers responsible for the San Bernadino massacre. There is no doubt that there is stuff on that phone the FBI needs to see. Apple refused do unlock the phone. Finally, a federal magistrate judge, at the Justice Department’s request, ordered Apple to bypass security functions on the phone. Apple was furious.

So who is right here? Blanche is siding with the government on this one. San Bernadino was a major terrorist attack. Why can’t Apple work with the government? The people who did this crime are both dead but those phones may lead the authorities to others involved. Something’s wrong here.

Alumni of McGill University should find another place to give their money.
In the third vote within 2 years, a motion calls on the Students Society of McGill University to support any boycott, divestment and sanctions (BDS) campaigns on campus and to pressure the McGill board of governors to divest from corporations ‘complicit in the occupation of the Palestinian territories.

Similar motions were brought to a vote in fall 2014 and March last year. The first motion was shelved indefinitely, but the second was reworded and brought for a secret ballot, where it failed.

This is 100% outright blatant anti-semitism. If anyone thinks for half a second that the BDS movement is anything more than that it’s not. And where the he.l is the board of governors to allow this show to go on? We will remind you of the Jewish quotas for doctors and lawyers way back when. Guess what? Once an anti-semite university, always an anti-semite university. Shame on them, their board and anyone in there who allows this to go on.

Good Shabbos
We’ll talk…

A Pearl From Spitzer: They Say we Learn From Our Mistakes. That’s Why I’m Making So Many Mistakes. Soon I’ll be a Genius.

In case you were scratching your head wondering how someone like Trump could actually be in the running for president of the United States, we’ll give you one reason – Obama.

The current president was supposed to be the savior of black people. He failed miserably at that and in fact, seems to have made matters worse. A few cases in point were his totally inappropriate comments when a black teen was shot saying that ‘he could have been my son’. Another blunder was in Ferguson when he just couldn’t get his act together and calm tensions.

His foreign policies have made America look like a weak and cowering giant. He had no clue about the sophistication of isis totally misreading those ‘thugs’. He shunned, to put it mildly, Netanyahu, the prime minister of the only democracy in the Middle East and totally underestimated the power of Putin who is now, by default, the strongest leader in the world.

Obamacare is a disaster and this past weekend he was stamping his feet and insisting on appointing a new supreme court judge following the passing of Antonin Scalia. Obama of course wants to replace Scalia with a liberal judge. It seems to be a given that a ‘lame-duck’ president on his way out waits and allows the new president to appoint said judge.

Trump may sound like he’s a bag of wind, which he might be. But he also sounds like a strong leader, unafraid to say things that ruffle feathers, i.e. not scripted. While he may not actually get to be president, for those supporting him now, the ride must feel really good.

Looks like our premier, Couillard lost some of his marbles to the environmentalists.
He went to the Paris climate conference in January, met with the likes of Al Gore and came back hugging trees and saving whales. That would be fine and not cost any money but it’s not where he stopped.

Under the Parti Québécois government a contract was signed in March 2014 giving the Quebec government a 35-per-cent equity stake an Anticosti development. What is that you ask? It allows drilling for oil and gas on Anticosti Island. Up until he went to Paris, Couillard was fine with this search for gas and oil. Upon his return? Another story entirely. Get this:

“Let me repeat, solemnly: My name will never be associated with the dilapidation of Anticosti Island. My name will never be associated with the aggressive savaging of a natural environment like Anticosti.”

Can we talk? The CEO of Quebec City-based oil junior Petrolia Inc has a signed contract that states clearly oil and gas will be developed on Anticosti. It appears that our premier is willing to lose your money in breaking this contract. We wonder if he has Al Gore on speed dial for advice.

Blanche, we know you won’t believe this, but Hillary was barking like a dog at a rally in Reno Nevada. Seriously, we watched and heard. She was referring to a dog barking every time someone told a lie and took this genius idea one step further. She said that every time a republican lies, there should be a dog barking and then, zut alors, she began to bark come un chien – like a dog. Arf, arf, arf. It’s not enough she looks like a dog sometimes. She didn’t have to bark like one. Blanche, did you just say that? You are dizguzting.

Can we talk? Did she not think that this short clip would be all over the internet faster than you can right the word barking internet? Let’s start with Who Let the Dogs Out. Now let your imagination run wild. Whoever is managing her needs a tighter leash – pardon the pun.

Remember Elliot Spitzer? We’ll jog your memory. He was client #9 in a prostitution scandal while he was governor of New York. For two years the 54th governor of New York had been a client of one of those high-end enterprises, slyly called ‘escort services’, that offered the “girlfriend experience” for $1,000 (and up) an hour. Blanche, don’t you love the language? How quaint and delicate.

Well, Spitzer’s back in the news. NYPD officers responded to a room in the Plaza Hotel (around $1000 a night) after a woman identified as Svetlana  called 911 to say she was having a breakdown and had slashed her wrist. She was having a breakdown? How funny is that?

Spitzer initially answered the door and said everything was fine, but officers went back to double check and noticed blood and broken glass on the floor, prompting a search of the room. Svetlana was hospitalized with a reportedly self-inflicted wrist wound, where she told police Spitzer had choked her. In the end, comrade Svetlana ran back to Russia the next day, never pressing charges. Spitzer’s a loser.

Some People Need A Stamp on Their Forehead that Says: Do Not Reproduce

In case you’re not sure why they are not firing the coach of the Canadiens here’s a good part of the answer. Molson, who owns the team gave the general manager, Marc Bergevin a sweet, 8 year contract. The general manager then went ahead and gave the coach, Michel Therrien, a 4 year contract.

So if they were to let go either of those two dudes, it would cost a pretty penny and then some to break their contracts. Ya certainly can’t fire the owner, who made the dumbest move of all.

The players obviously have lost all desire to play and the word win has been erased from their vocabulary. We are also getting sick of hearing how upset PK Suban is, throwing his stick and banging on locker doors. He’s a spoiled brat making gzillions of dollars and not playing hockey. Shut-up, stop having temper tantrums, start playing hockey and earning your inflated salary.

Now if you’re looking for someone really in trouble, check out Hillary.
She’s in deep dog doodoo. The chatter is that if Hillary is having so much trouble against a socialist senator from Vermont with a beyond-parody Brooklyn Jewish accent, it’s because many of those voters are more driven by being anti-Hillary than pro-Bernie. And that’s bad news. If the Democrat race becomes ABH – anybody but hillary – she’s toast before she starts.

Never mind the endless stories about emails, if she erased 30,000 or 100,000. Can you imagine that on Monday night in Iowa, in the middle of nowhere land, when she got up to speak saying that she was a progressive person people were shouting liar at her? Nasty.

Read this and weep then get very angry: Gas prices in Ottawa are below 70cents a liter. Don’t you wonder when people here will rise up against the insane gas prices that go up at the whim of some mysterious group?

Ever hear of Daallo Airlines? Most likely not. It’s the airline of Somalia. It seems that some dude bypassed rigorous security screening in Mogadishu and got on a plane with a bomb. It appears he used the old wheelchair trick.

Unfortunately, he got his just desserts so to say when he detonated the bomb and got sucked out of the plane. Oops.

And now some tidbits about the election business down south:

The Donald screwed up when he decided not to join in the last debate because he was in a fight with Megan Kelly. It may have cost him Iowa. As an astute businessman, he’s not going to make that mistake again.

He had originally scheduled two campaign events in New Hampshire, site of the first primary on Tuesday February 9. He upped his events to five including an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, a meeting with local business owners and an event with the Manchester Police Department. He’s a quick student and realized that pouting about his loss in Iowa was not going to help him.

In an unusual statement, the Des Moines Register (that’s Des Moines Iowa site of this week’s caucus), called on the Iowa Democratic Party to move quickly to prove that Monday’s results are correct.

The piece titled “Something smells in the Democratic Party”, went on to say, and we quote: “Too many accounts have arisen of inconsistent counts, untrained and overwhelmed volunteers, confused voters, cramped precinct locations, a lack of voter registration forms and other problems. Too many of us, including members of the Register editorial board who were observing caucuses, saw opportunities for error amid Monday night’s chaos.”

Blanche, you can already guess who doesn’t want a recount. Hillary of course who won by about 23 votes. If there was a recount and she lost in Iowa that would be a disaster because she is down by about 50% in New Hampshire, sister state to Verrrrrmont, where walking around downtown Burlington without a top on is just fine. It’s Bernie territory.

Everyone has no doubt heard that Loew’s bought Reno Depot. Blanche, did you also hear that PKP, the erstwhile leader of the separatist party is aghast that the head office of Reno might eventually move to Mooresville, North Carolina. Can we talk? We know he’s dense, but he sounds like someone poured cement into his head.

For the past thirty or so years every head office known to man has left this backwater province due to harassment from the government, executives unable to put their children into English school and other nasty laws that were thrust upon them. Now he’s waking up and saying that Reno might be shipped south? PKP is a dufus and that’s on a good day.

Celine Dion held a huge goodbye party for her late husband Rene in Las Vegas. Problem is she forgot to put on the top of her dress. Blanche, honestly, do people have to see everything? Plus she doesn’t have, shall we delicately say, much on top? She kind of looks like a blackboard with a head. Blanche, you’re really dizuguzting.

Are we the only ones who find it beyond strange that Jian Ghomeshi has a woman for a lawyer?
We’re not talking about women’s rights. We’re saying that he’s such a lowlife and did such degrading things to women, why would a woman defend him? Oh, right. Money. Sell your soul for money. Fech.

There’s a  half-way house in Laval for kids that their parents cannot control or handle. It seems that in the past year, over 700 have escaped or run away. In the past week alone, three girls ran away, seemingly into the hands of the underworld. Something smells here. Actually, it stinks. Why did it take until now, until some parents came forward pleading for people to help them find their daughter for this to come to light? We certainly hope that this will be investigated by the authorities – not from Laval.

Good Shabbos
We’ll talk…

Don’t Steal. Don’t Lie. Don’t Cheat. The Government Hates Competition.

What the heck happened to The Donald last night? He came second in the Iowa caucus, certainly not the end of the world. Ted Cruz defeated him. His concession speech was completely woosie and even more so his body language. “Hey, I like Iowa so much I may buy a farm here.” What? Even for Trump that’s shallow. He best not be a sore loser because if he’s serious about this president business this show is just getting started.

And then of course there was Milenia, his Russian-born, thinner than thin, long-legged wife. She was sitting beside him looking beyond bored, kind of like she was watching paint dry. Blanche’s suggestion is that someone coach her to at least look interested or leave her home.

Watch Marco Rubio carefully. He may come up the middle between Trump and Cruz because many people cannot stomach either Cruz or Trump as a president.

Hillary’s another beauty. She won, literally by a hair against Bernie Sanders. In reality, it was a tie and she looked shell-shocked. After her acceptance speech she flew out the door like a thief in the night. All the while, the email scandal continues to haunt her.

The taxi drivers in this city need to find a few of their own with something between their ears other than air. Staging protests that tie up traffic is not going to win them any brownie points. We were just in New York and not only do they have Uber but they have gone one step further. They have a share-a-ride service. For $5 you log in your location and a van carrying other passengers picks you up and drops you within 2 blocks of your destination. Got that? $5.

If it were hard to take Uber people would be loyal to taxis. Instead of looking to blame the government etc, perhaps they should do a bit of naval gazing.

Les Canadiens are playing tonight.
They had a week off to recoup, regroup and get their act together. Perhaps, and this is just a suggestion, giving back some of their insanely overrated salaries would shake them up a bit. For every game they lose, it costs them, oh, say $25,000. We also hope that during their break, Max Paciorrety took some speech lessons. He has by far the most monotone voice we have ever heard.

Imagine starting your vacation together with many millions of people in what is considered the largest annual human migration? It’s happening now in China.

Chinese travelers are expected to make 2.9 billion trips during the 40-day period, which began Jan. 21. Most of those trips will fall in the weeks around the Feb. 8 Lunar New Year and it seems that many, many millions of people travel from big cities back to their home towns. Problem is freak snowstorms closed some airports. Now, if the airports are closed and ya want to go home what do you do? Run to the train station.

Unfortunately, 100,000 people thought the same thing in one small station. Chaos would be the operative word. In this case, a picture is worth a thousand words. Just google China and snowstorm. The mass of humanity all carrying suitcases is mind-boggling.

Yet another car recall. Toyota is recalling 320,000 vehicles due airbags that go off without you having to do anything but get into your car. Special eh? The press release said that unexpected activation of the air bags could injure occupants. No kidding.

The secretary of defense in the United States, Ash Carter (what the heck kind of name is Ash?) said today that they will be spending $582 billion defending space from isis. Yes Blanche, you read that correctly. Among the more interesting things they will be doing is this: The arsenal plane which takes one of our oldest aircraft platform and turns it into a flying launchpad for all sorts of different conventional payloads. In practice, the arsenal plane will function as a very large airborne magazine, network to fifth generation aircraft that act as forward sensor and targeting nodes, essentially combining different systems already in our inventory to create holy new capabilities.

It that made zero sense to you join the club. Nothing like going to the money tree and spending OPM – other people’s money.

Not sure if you heard about the E. coli outbreak at Chipotle, a fast food restaurant chain down south. Well, it turns out that a lawyer specializing in food-borne illness listed the six things he will not touch anywhere: raw oysters and other raw shellfish, raw or under-cooked eggs, meat that isn’t well-done, unpasteurized milk and juice, and raw sprouts.

For those Jews who keep kosher, the first two don’t count. The rest is common sense. Blanche, that steak tartar you used to order? Fuggedaboutit.