Category Archives: authored and written by Joannie Tansky

Sh.t Happens. That’s a Direct Quote from Our Mayor. Yikes!

Mayor Coderre was asked this morning how things are going when interviewed on the radio. Especially in light of the over 22 million people who watched the demolition derby video on Beaver Hall Hill on Monday. His response: Sh.t happens. Yes Blanche, the mayor said that. He could also have said let them eat cake. Or off with their heads.

If his car had slid down the hill we think he would have had a very different reaction.  Instead of taking ownership of the situation he fluffed it off. It’s his job as mayor to investigate what happened and to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Blanche, he’s not a mean person. He’s just a shtikel too comfortable in his own skin and certainly in his job. Sounds like he takes up all the oxygen in the room.

The pope is another beauty who needs to button it up. He waded into the geffuelment of fake news. Doesn’t he have pope business to do? And since when does the pope troll the internet? Obviously he doesn’t have enough to keep him busy. But we digress.

He spoke out on media outlets that focus on scandals and smears and promote fake news as a means of discrediting people in public life. That wouldn’t have been half bad, but he kept going.

Before you read this next part, may we suggest that you don’t eat anything for a moment. He said, and we quote: Journalists and the media must avoid falling into “coprophilia” – an abnormal interest in excrement. Those reading or watching such stories risked behaving like coprophagics, people who eat faeces.

Hey Blanche, ya think Coderre read this before making his genius statement? What a coincidence that they both refer to the same grossness. Honestly…

In case you haven’t noticed, when crossing the border from the US into Quebec all the signs are in French only. Including the serious ones like road closed or tunnel closed when the lights are blinking or how about the bridge is closed.

While those who live here might get the message, there are plenty of truck drivers and tourists coming in from the US who speak not a word of French. We are guessing that the signs are all in French because the Quebec government is afraid that their language will become diluted if they alert people to dangers on the road. Seriously? As we have said on more than one occasion, the bureaucrats here have peas for brains.

Seems that a petition was launched to change this and make all road signs bilingual. And that very special department, l’office de la langue francais agrees that the signs are allowed to be in English when it’s a matter of safety.

Blanche, ya think these are the same dudes who forgot to salt the down part of hill on Monday? Could be.

While we are not going to list all of Trump’s picks for his cabinet etc, this dude gets an honourable mention, partly due to this name – Andrew Puzder. Blanche, did he make that name up from something longer or is that his real name. Puzder?

Trump has nominated him for Labor Secretary. One of the things he does not support is the $15 an hour minimum wage and he’s right. We have heard and read way to many articles about this idea and how bad it is for the masses. If the minimum wage goes to $15, thousands and thousands of people will lose their jobs as small businesses will simply not be able to absorb the costs.

We also read that big chains like MacDonalds are speeding up their development of robots to do the jobs of people. So instead of 3 dudes flipping burgers, there will be one dude setting the robot.

While we are certainly not upset that Trump won the election it’s taking us a while to get used to his tweeting business. It was one thing when he was campaigning, but now that he’s president-elect and moving into the White House in about six weeks, well, it’s not quite presidential.

Ah, Blanche, don’t you know that he’s rewriting the book on being presidential? While that may be true, he kind of stepped into it yesterday when he took on a union leader in Indiana.

Chuck Jones is President of United Steelworkers 1999 and owns a flip phone so he doesn’t even see tweets. The issue? Trump said he saved 1100 jobs at Carrier, Jones said it was more like 800 jobs. Right after he heard that, Trump tweeted that Jones wasn’t doing a very good job. Jones then received the following voicemails: One voice asked: What kind of car do you drive? Another said: We’re coming for you.

Jones is a simple, unsophisticated dude. He’s certainly no match for Trump who should lay low for as long as he can which would be about ten seconds. The visuals are really not good.

Michael Moore is not only an idiot, he’s a dangerous idiot. He predicted Donald Trump would win the presidency months before his  victory and now, obviously emboldened by himself is now encouraging people to protest the President-elect’s upcoming inauguration.

He went even further with this announcement: If you are living outside the US, you can take action at US embassies, borders, or other symbols of neocolonial power.

Our suggestion is that someone take away his phone and computer. He’s a serious menace to society.

John Glenn, the first American to orbit Earth died on Thursday in Columbus, Ohio. He was 95.

Montreal’s Five Minutes of Cringe-Worthy Fame.

So Blanche, we’re finally famous. The demolition derby video that was taken yesterday when the city didn’t salt one of the bigger hills in downtown Montreal has been viewed, at last count, by over 18 million people.  Dats a lotta peeps. Seems they salted the hill going up but for ‘some’ reason, never got around to salting the down part.

While listening to Fox News this morning, lo and behold Montreal got an honourable mention. Make no mistake however, it’s nothing to be proud of. The announcer did not bother to contain himself and had a good laugh at our expense while watching the video.

As for the union who does this work – first we heard that suddenly the snow turned to black ice. Who knew that happens here? Quel surprise. Then we heard there was a ‘communication’ problem. Can we talk?

If anyone knows someone in the public works of Montreal, specifically in da union please pass our suggestion along to them: Make a list of all the hills downtown, like Guy, Peel, Mountain, Beaver Hall Hill etc. Then, give that list to da dudes who take the trucks out to salt the streets. Then tell those dudes not to come back until all those hills have been salted – up and down. They don’t have to talk to anyone. They just have to get the job done.

One more thing on this. The Montreal Gazette made no mention of this video in today’s paper. They must work for the same union as the salter dudes.

While we do not celebrate xmas, we appreciate a nice big, full  tree, like the one in Rockefeller Centre. The tree that Montreal put up this year looks like it went on a diet gone bad.

Here is the best line from the city about this tree, which could win the quote of the year award: “We don’t pretend that it is the most beautiful tree, but it’s unique and if you look long enough you will find something unique for you.” There are no words.

Unique? It’s ugly, scrawny and belongs in someone’s fireplace, not in the middle of a city. The missives can pretend all they want. When the emperor has no clothes, he’s naked and when the tree has no pines it’s also naked.

In an astonishing u-turn, Angela Merkel announced today that ‘the full veil is not appropriate here’. In other words, she is banning the burka. She’s a tad late for this edict, n’est pas?

Remember when she said she was letting in oh, 1 million ‘refugees’? She also backtracked on her policy to let in said refugees saying she would avoid a repeat of the huge migrant influx that occurred under her watch last year. Ya think there’s an election coming? Blanche, don’t you wonder what possessed her to take in all of those people in the first place, thousands of whom could not be vetted?

It’s one thing to change your mind and have toast instead of a bagel for breakfast. What she did is nothing short of pandering to get herself re-elected.

There is no doubt that CEO’s of big companies in the USA are ‘tzittering’, which, loosely translated means shaking in their boots. Trump went after Boeing today and good for him. Here’s his tweet on this: “Boeing is building a brand new 747 Air Force One for future presidents, but costs are out of control, more than $4 billion. Cancel order!”

A defense official confirmed that the total cost of the Presidential Aircraft ‘Recapitalization’ program will likely be $4 billion which is where he got the number. It appears that the money tree in the backyard of the White House is going to shake a lot less in a few weeks.

Dalhousie University did an ‘economic analysis’. Blanche – those are code words used so that people roll their eyes and either not read the article or sigh at the mumbo jumbo jargon.

In said report, Trump is being blamed for the fact that our food bills will be going up next year. Seriously? That new nifty little carbon tax that everyone is going to pay will hike the prices. The dairy board protecting the farmers needs to go. Then maybe our food bills will go down. What the heck does Trump have to do with this? Nothing. It’s a decoy so duck.

In case you didn’t know, the Duke of Westminster died in August at the age of 64 of a heart attack. Who cares you ask? His son for one. He’s 30 years old and is now the richest bachelor on Earth under the age of 30 having inherited about $9 billion. If you know anyone who might be a suitable bride, perhaps now is the time to pipe up.

Hillary – “It’s been a rough week.”

Last night Hillary had her first public outing since the election and we actually had pity on her. She looked so bad we could not help but think that she just got up from shiva – which is a period of seven days of formal mourning for the dead, beginning immediately after the funeral. Not a drop of makeup, her hair not done, pale lipstick. It looked like just leaving her house was a huge undertaking. The shiva part came because it was exactly a week since losing the mother-of-all-elections.

What happened to Hillary was in fact like a death. The dream of her life is gone forever, a bitter pill to swallow.

No matter how hard mainstream media tries to spin the news that Trump is out of control or his handlers can’t get a handle on their current situation or they are over their heads, he always comes out on the winning side. When, oh when, will the media learn their lesson?

We can’t figure out if they are either very dense or they really think they are going to pin him into a corner. What else, after winning the presidency of the United States does he have to do to make them understand that he does not nor will not play by their rules. That claim belongs to Hillary and look where it got her.

People may not like how he operates but the fact is, he is successful. We are watching as he slowly surrounds himself, for the most part, with good, smart and decent people. He got rid of Christie who was like a noose around his neck. Bannon – the jury is still out on him. It appears that his son-in-law Jared Kushner has the final word and if Bannon gets out of line or causes embarrassment, you can be sure he will be on the other side of the door.

Give them a chance. They never thought they would win and didn’t put their ducks in a row beforehand, unlike other people.

We met a local rabbi this morning who told Blanche that he received a call from Concordia University that they are in need of more grief counsellors of the religious kind. Grief counsellors to deal with the Clinton loss. Wait a minute. Don’t we live in Canada Blanche?

In fact we do, but the university communities are having a very hard time wrapping their heads around what a democracy is. Ironic, eh?

In case you thought flying was expensive, United Airlines is giving you a chance to spend less money – sort of. If you are a skinny pretzel you may be happy with this. If you are a semi-normal sized person you may not.

So how do you save money? First you can’t choose your own seat which means almost 100% that you will be in that dreaded middle seat most likely with Moose on one side and Milly-Mae on the other, both having eaten a big bowl of chili with lotsa beans at an airport restaurant. Get the drift Blanche?

Secondly you can’t bring on any carry-on bag. Which means it will cost you between $50 and $75 to check your bag. Unless you’re saving at least $150, this doesn’t sound very enticing. Oh yes, one more thing. No changes or refunds. At all. If you need to change your ticket, you will have to pay again. Don’t you love airlines?

In a very interesting analysis of the election, the obvious became more obvious. Clinton overwhelmingly won the cities, like Los Angeles, Chicago and New York City, but Trump won many of the suburbs, isolating the cities in a sea of Republican voters. Small-town America woke up and spoke up. Hillary’s campaign managers completely and totally didn’t get it and missed the boat. We are guessing that this ideology comes from the top down, ie. who needs the plebs.

In land area, Clinton has 15% or 530,00 square miles. Trump? 85% of the land area and 3,000,000 square miles. Obviously many people live in those millions of square miles. In small towns that she did not bother to go to. Even Obama said that he went to all those small towns, to their fairs and farms.

This is also why we are seeing protests in the big cities and nothing in rural America. By the way Blanche, it seems the protests are petering out. Thanksgiving is coming up next week and people are now turning their attention to turkeys and travel.

Time to start keeping a close eye on Turkey which is fast becoming the next China or North Korea. If you are a journalist there and dare to go up against Erodgan, you best be in hiding. As of now there are 120 journalists in jail awaiting trial for treason.

The government and its supporters are behind a wave of demands to Twitter to remove offending posts, more than all other countries in the world put together. So says Twitter itself.

Failing to mention how many people were killed in the attempted coup, in any article about it, is also considered proof of terrorist sympathies.

Said one journalist, “There is no more critical journalism, 90 percent of the free press is destroyed directly or indirectly. Investigative journalism is considered treason.” Pretty scary. It will definitely be something that Trump will have to address once he takes office. Unlike Obama, we hope he actually gets off the fence and does something.

Good Shabbos
we’ll talk…

The World is Run By Idiots, Especially Here in La Belle Province.

Our big-mouth mayor Coderre, grinning like an idiot told his plebs that we have another 10 years of road construction. Why? Because inferior products were used for generations and previous administrations were too busy taking money from construction companies to deal with a very old infrastructure.

His announcement got even better. He said that he would try to give compensation to store-owners and companies that will be adversely affected by the construction. We have swampland to sell you in Florida if you believe one word of that.

If you are in need of handicapped parking, you best be in good shape. While the handicapped parking places are close to the stores or corner, they are very far from the paying machines. In some instances, the machines are across streets.

One minute Blanche. Are you saying that if someone needs handicapped parking, chances are they have trouble walking and here in la belle province nobody gives a rats. Indeed.

Pay for parking and walk, often a very long block for the privilege. Ontario has long done away with paying for handicapped parking. It’s free as it is in many places including Florida.

Goes with the rest of the bs here. $44 million for lights on a bridge, tearing down an overpass that was built just last year to the tune of $11 million. Take care of their population? Waste of time.

In the same vein there were two other in-your-face issues that the Quebec government will try to poo-poo or outright ignore.

The first is an autistic child who has been waiting for early intervention for five years. She is symbolic of the abnormal wait times for medical attention. Now she’s too old for early intervention and has been put on another kind of waiting list for group treatment which won’t help her.

Then there’s the $27 a day for the luxury of watching television while you lie sick in your bed in the new hospital. Seems one company has the contract for in-room TV’s all over the province. Can you say collusion? Us plebs are nothing in this equation except a royal pain. What a nerve to get sick or G-d forbid be born with an illness.

But wait, there’s more. The Quebec government has proudly announced that it has made a profit this year. Oh really? They didn’t make any profit – they sliced and diced services, especially in health care so much that a child can’t get, what in any other place, would be normal services.

It’s very obvious that Couillard, our premier doesn’t much like his job. Have you seen him lately? Have you read a quote of his in the paper lately? He doesn’t have the cahoonas to stand up to that bully of a health minister Barrett and he’s impotent in the rest of his job.

One of the bigger issues in the US election is the Obamacare fisasco. As people begin to realize that Obama lied straight out – like you can keep your doctor or insurance company when in fact you can’t, things are hitting the fan big time. It’s one of the reasons the Democrats are happy the election is next week. Too bad Trump can’t stick to the script for a sustained attack on this subject.

While he seems to be a bit better, it doesn’t take much for him to lose his train of thought, something we assume people are watching. Is he fit to be the president? Does he have the brains to concentrate on the highly complex issues that will arise? Will he listen to his advisors? Lotsa strings left unattached.

One thing Trump has which Hillary does not: Unadulterated, unequivocal open support for Israel. While Obama did give money to Israel’s defence, his treatment of Netyanhyu was abysmal. Seems the two men did not like each other at all. Hillary is an extension of Obama so if she’s elected, expect to see more of the same.

The juicy wikileaks drip, drip, drip of Clinton staffers emails is getting juicier by the second.

Chelsea Clinton accused her father’s aides of taking “significant sums of money from my parents personally,” of “hustling” during foundation events to win clients for their own business, and of even installing spyware on her chief of staff’s computer.

Hillary Clinton, another email showed, had promised to attend a Clinton Foundation gathering in Morocco at the behest of its king, who had pledged $12 million to the charity. What Blanche?? $12 million??? Her advisers worried that would look unseemly just as she was beginning her presidential campaign in earnest. Unseemly?? Grossly disgusting would be more appropriate.

Here’s a good one: Just before announcing that she was running for president, Hillary was advised to say the following, which she did: As president, I won’t permit any conflicts between my work for the American people and the Foundation’s good work. Nice try.

Since it’s inception in 1997, the Clinton Foundation has raised about $2 billion. Hillary has claimed repeatedly that they do good work with the money. Got that Blanche?

Here’s where some of the money went: Laureate International Universities, a for-profit education company based in Baltimore, was paying Bill Clinton $3.5 million annually “to provide advice” and serve as its honorary chairman. Don’t think too much of that money went to Haiti. Rather it may have gone to pay for Chelsea’s $10 million apartment in Manhattan.

Americans are choosing the best of the absolute two worst candidates to ever run for president and they should be ashamed of themselves to have nominated them.

Good Shabbos
We’ll talk…

What’s the Most Popular Company on the Most Popular Street (Rue Barre)? A Louer.

Tonight’s headline is courtesy of one of Blanche’s devoted readers Ronald, a senior systems analyst. Blanche, he must be very smart.

If we lived down south and had to witness, hourly, how low this election campaign has gone, we would be embarrassed to show the world what America has become. It seems there is no moral compass left.

Blame can be given to a number of people and circumstances. Obama was a leaderless leader. Because he stood for nothing for 8 long years, so did the office of the president and so did his country. Hence you have someone like Trump who  rose out of a vacuum.

Social media is what it is, again with no moral compass. The result? There are no boundaries. People say and do what they want for all the world to see. There’s something very wrong with that, starting with a lack of parenting.

Whether you like it or not, Hillary Clinton walked away from doing something that a general joe would have gone to jail for. People see that and say to themselves, there really are two sets of laws, one for the very rich and one for everyone else.

This election has become an media mud wrestling match. The smart people are staying out of it. Right now it looks as if Hillary will win but there are three weeks left and frankly anything can happen. If he does lose, Donald will not go quietly as he’s already riling up his supporters that the vote is rigged. He may be right but the end result could be very ugly and it’s not always about being right.

Blanche, did you see the letter a Habs fan printed in the paper today? He was lamenting the fact that PK Subban is gone from Montreal and the ostensibly dismal treatment he received from the Canadiens management. Dr. CK lauded PK as both an amazing hockey player and individual and was a serious role model for his children.

Can we talk? First of all, what a colossal waste of money to put a full page ad in the paper for someone who is gone and not coming back.

Next PK Subban is a hockey player and as such he plays for a team. When one plays for a team they must abide by the rules of said team. It’s pretty obvious PK was making up some of his own rules and that could not nor should not be tolerated.

Given that, he is a great player and he is a role model but… Is PK Subban the sole role model for this man’s children? What about the author who is the father of those children? How about him being a role model for his children?

The culture of the game of hockey is that players know they can be traded at any time. While PK gave a lot of money to the Children’s Hospital, he’s not a doctor saving lives. He’s a hockey player entertaining people. Here’s a tip for Dr. CK: he best not get to emotional about other players as eventually they will also be traded.

On October 3 of this year, which happened to be Rosh Hashanah, the city of Outremont held their regular council meeting despite the fact that the one and only Jewish woman on council, Mindy Pollak could not attend.

Here’s what they should have done: Hold the meeting but waive one item on the agenda for a day which is not a Jewish holiday, when Mindy and others in the community could have been present. Instead they gave the finger to the Jewish community.

The item in question is a bylaw that would ban any future places of worship on Bernard Avenue. Council decided, of course without any opposition, to hold a referendum about this issue on November 20. In case you were wondering, this is in-your-face anti-semitism and nothing less. How this council is allowed to get away with this behaviour is beyond our comprehension. Don’t tell us that the city of Montreal cannot interfere. If they have no power to stop this then they are implicit in outright racism.

Imagine eating a bite of broccoli and having it taste like a piece of dark chocolate? Enter diet cutlery and a device called the Taste Buddy.

The invention exploits the chemical reactions happening in the mouth when we eat. Sour and salty tastes are recognised when taste receptors on the tongue detect the reaction between saliva and the acidity of hydrogen or sodium. What?

In a nutshell, a spoon could be used to allow people to taste something they enjoy while eating a healthy dish, for example making tofu taste like steak or vegetables like chocolate. Sounds rather farfetched but ya never know.

Montreal seems to be trying to fix all the road and highways problems that have occurred in the past fifty or so years in two or three years. As of this weekend, they are closing a major highway going east and west. It will mean serious traffic issues for, oh say the next two or so years. In fact, predictions of traffic jams going from the Villa Maria interchange west until about Dorval – about 7 or 8 miles.

The city has told residents living west to take public transportation. Unfortunately, it doesn’t exist out there. No metro, a poor train system and busses that will also be stuck in traffic. They then suggested that employees ask their employers to change the hours of operation.

If one decides to heed the city’s advice and take the metro, alas there’s no parking near the metros. The city has known about this for at least a couple of years. They should have made provisions like opening a parking lot in the old Blue Bonnets raceway and other empty lots for the public. The downtown merchants can kiss their west end clientele goodbye for a few years.

Bob Dylan aka Robert Zimmerman won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature today. Blanche, can we talk? What the heck? He won for “having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition.” Seriously? We looked up where the winning money comes from. Here’s what we found:

When Alfred Nobel died in 1896, he stipulated in his will that most of his estate should be converted into a fund and invested in “safe securities.” The income from the investments was to be “distributed annually in the form of prizes to those who during the preceding year have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind.”

So Dylan conferred the greatest benefit to mankind? He’s a great lyricist, his songs have certainly stood the test of time. But a noble Peace winner? Come on.

Blanche, go git the very BIG barf bag. Michelle Obama spoke today. It’s like the Queen is issuing a proclamation. Here’s what she said about Trump and women to have surfaced:

“I listen to all of this and I feel it so personally and I’m sure that many of you do, too, particularly the women. The shameful comments about our bodies, the disrespect of our intelligence. The belief you can do anything to a woman? It is cruel. It’s frightening. And the truth is, it hurts. It hurts.”

Can we talk? Where was she when Clinton was ‘busy’ in the White House? Don’t say it was years ago because they are dredging up women who had anything to do with Donald for the past 35 years. She’s hurt by this? How about being hurt by Hillary who went after Bill’s women with fangs and teeth? N.a.u.s.e.a.t.i.n.g.


Good Shabbos
we’ll talk…

Gary Johnson: I’m Not Stupid. My Brain is on Energy Saving Mode. (Right…)

It’s pretty obvious that anyone who interviews Donald Trump is stumped to put it mildly. He just doesn’t fit the mould. We watched last night as he and Hillary were  interviewed on the Intrepid with an audience of veterans.

Hillary came out wearing her standard pantsuit. Can we talk? She wins the prize for being able to wear the exact same thing for about six months. All she does is change the fabric. We are guessing the outfit is comfortable. Lately, Blanche has started her own personal contest guessing what color she will wear each day. But we digress.

She looks and talks like a president. She is also able to lie with a conviction that is nothing short of jaw-dropping. Not only that, but she gets defensive if you push her. Like asking a question about something she said a month ago and now denies. She makes the interviewer seem like the culprit. And that’s one of the big reasons people dislike her. She’s just plain old dishonest.

Trump on the other hand looks like he relishes his position as the anti-politician. He tries his hardest to mix things up and either throw off the interviewer or make him steaming mad. It’s really quite something to watch. People cannot decide if he is a total idiot and knows nothing or is playing dumb in a very high stakes game.

Ever hear of Gary Johnson? He’s running for president as leader of the Libertarian party. In order to qualify to be part of the debate on September 26 (Blanche, mark that date on your calendar), he needs to poll at 15%.

Well, this genius was on Morning Joe today. In case you don’t know, that program has one of, if not the best and most balanced news. So this dude Gary Johnson is being interviewed and was asked the following question: What would you do about Aleppo? In case you are living under a rock, Aleppo is the epicenter of the refugee crisis in Syria.

Back to the scene: So, Mr. Johnson, what would you do about Aleppo? With the blankest of blank stares, on live television, Johnson asks, “What is Aleppo?” The interviewer was incredulous and asked if he was kidding. No, responded Johnson. What is Aleppo? He was told and then proceeded to fumble through an answer. He makes Trump look like a rocket scientist. Literally.

So Uber is here to stay in La Belle Province for another year. That was part of the deal that was brokered between the provincial government and this company. They have some strict regulations to follow but for now they are staying.

In Montreal, the taxi drivers have their shorts in a snit because they feel that Uber is taking away their business. Really? Here’s the deal dudes. Get in the real world. We used Uber in Los Angeles. No money was exchanged, the car was so clean we could eat off the floor, it came in less than two minutes, the driver knew his way around the city and wasn’t eating curry in the front seat.

Instead of protesting as they are doing, how about upping their game?

Seems Apple shares didn’t do so well today after unveiling their new iPhone 7. The good point: It’s waterproof and has two cameras (big whoop). Blanche, does that mean if we drop the phone in the terlit it will still work? We’re not trying.

The not so good points: No place for earbuds. Got that? Ya can’t have a private conversation unless you drop $159 for their cordless buds newly named EarPods. Let’s just say if you are planning to run or walk very fast with those new pods, fuggedaboutit. They will pop right outta your ears and you’ll be out $159.

If you had the misfortune of arriving in Montreal’s airport any day between 4:00 and 7:00 pm you may have noticed lines that took, oh, about 3 hours to clear out. The airport does not seem to be able to handle people. Wait a minute. Isn’t that what airports are supposed to do? Shuffle people in and out quickly? Not in this town darling.

The reason? Too many students and people coming back from vacation. Get a life dudes. Vacations ended last weekend. Students? School started last week. Our guess? The same ailment as the construction sites. People with IQ’s of a pea creating airport spaces that cannot accommodate the amount of people going through on a daily basis. Poor planning. It’s a disease in Quebec.

Tickets to the Montreal Canadiens go on sale this weekend. Blanche, do you have any idea what it costs to go to a game? We’ll tell you. For a regular game between $150 and $280. For a premium game between $250 and $480. Of course you can always sit in the nosebleed section or stand for between $50 and $100.

It appears that no matter how bad this team is – and last year they stank out the place – there is just something magical about the team.  We’ll see how they do without Subban. In the meantime, save your money and watch them on your couch in your pyjamas with a bowl of popcorn and a beer that costs $2.50 instead of $12.50.

Weiner…Need We Say More

What a dick. Blanche, did you say that? Seriously, it’s dizguzting. Well, maybe not as dizguzting as Weiner.

We are referring to Anthony Weiner of weiner fame. He’s the dude who was sexting his southern parts to various and sundry women. The first time he got caught apologized profusely. His wife stood by her man. The second time he got caught he was running for mayor of New York. Nix that one. Again Huma stood by her man. What was she thinking? Most likely about Hillary, to whom she is attached at the hip.

This time it’s three strikes and he’s outta here, phone and all.

We won’t regale you with the gory details. We do have a suggestion for Weiner. Maybe he should have a name change to say, Anthony Toenail. That way, if he can’t stop texting his southern parts, at least they will be something people can look at. Ich.

We don’t often comment on the passing of a movie star, but somehow Gene Wilder was different. He was not only a genius but one of the funniest comedians and playwrights of his century.

Who could forget his classics: The Producers,Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and Stir Crazy. After his wife Gilda Radner died of ovarian cancer he started Gilda’s Club for the awareness of ovarian cancer.

When we read that he had died of complications of Alzheimer’s we were doubly saddened. What happens to people…

Not that it’s going to make any difference but The FBI is expected to release documents soon related to its investigation into Hillary Clinton and her use of a private email server. If Trump were half normal, this is all he would be talking about. Alas, he can’t see past his phone and even then past his twitter feed.

If you think this is some kind of conspiracy it doesn’t look like it. Seems that many media people are using the Freedom of Information Act to obtain the documents.

So far so good. Justin and Sophie have been in China for two days and they both have been able to keep all their clothes on and not post one selfie. Fear not however, we might yet to see them do something, shall we say, not that dignified. Blanche checked out the itinerary. Plenty of places to garner attention: A high school with former NBA basketball player Yao Ming; a boat cruise to highlight tourism opportunities in Canada; the Great Wall of China. Stay tuned.

In case you were losing sleep over where Bernie Sanders had disappeared to, you can now rest easy. He’s about to start campaigning again next week. This time of course for Hillary.

Did you hear about the genius by the name of Colin Kaepernick? On this one we’re with Trump. He’s the dude who would not stand nor sing the American National Anthem. Then he burned his football sweater. Trump said, and rightly so, “find a country that works better for him.” Exactly.

If he’s so unhappy, find another place to live. Who is this guy? He’s 28, a mixed racial man who was adopted by a white family. Obviously he has some, shall we say, ‘issues’. Where his black bro the president who obviously did nothing to make his life happy.

We’ll talk…

No Shortage of Geniuses in the World, eh Blanche?

Obama is rejoicing tonight. He will hit his target of admitting 10,000 Syrian refugees into the United States before the end of September. Don’t tell anyone that most of the terrorists in Europe who carried out many heinous attacks came from or were trained in Syria. Also don’t tell anyone that Germany lost track of many of those they let in.

The $400 million dollars paid to Iran and sent via palettes with all kinds of currency is ‘old news’ according to Hillary. She’s so sweet.
It’s old news to her because she knew all about it months ago. It’s news to the other 299 million people who live in the United States. And this is exactly why people despise her. She and Obama live under one set of rules and the rest of plebs are just that – plebs on a need to know basis and according to that dynamic duo,  they most often don’t need to know.

What a coinkedink that on the exact day that four hostages were freed from an Iranian jail the money arrived by cargo plane. And they want everyone to believe that it was not ransom. Blanche, you know what Iran said? If America had not sent the money they would never have released those dudes.

The Trump fiasco is getting more juicy by the minute. Some people in his party staunchly say he can change, stick to the script and win. They must be smoking the same stuff he is.

Here’s a headline: Trump will change for a few days, after an intervention that is about to take place. Let’s say he even manages to get his act together for two weeks. And then…someone is going to attack him personally, oh, say maybe Hillary – and he’s going to lose it again. He’ll start tweeting, holding inane news conferences and say things that will cause his poll numbers to plummet.

While all of this intrigue is wonderful for the news stations, it’s actually real life and a tad on the dangerous side. Trump has never in his life had to answer to anyone – let alone 300 million people and he’s not about to start now. If we were in that intervention room we would lock the door and not let anyone leave until they got him to quit.

Lest you think we have turned on the person who seemed to be the one left standing to go up against the Clinton machinations, here’s one reason we have moved away from him: Anytime the words “Donald Trump” and “nuclear weapons” appear in the same sentence, a mushroom cloud, pardon the pun,  of anxiety rises over the world of politics and national security.

Yesterday was no exception, after Joe Scarborough, host of Morning Joe, said on his show that Trump had repeatedly asked an unnamed foreign policy expert why the U.S. can’t use its nuclear weapons. This ain’t no joke dawlin.

While many readers of Blanche may be too young to remember the Cuban missile crisis, we baby-boomers who lived through it vividly recall the screaming air-raid sirens and teachers telling us, idiotically, to hide under our desks when the siren sounded. There’s a term for that but we will be polite and just say it’s kissing a part of your body goodbye. Anyone who lived through those few months no doubt still feels that cold fear.

To listen to Trump speak about nuclear weapons in such a cavalier manner is, if for no other reason, why he must go.

Blanche, here’s a nice travel tip. If you’re planning to travel anywhere this summer (less and less places to go, eh?), read this next piece.

If you are making more than one stop while flying, let’s say going from city A to city B then back to city A and you click the button on the airline’s website for multi-city flights, don’t count on the website quoting you the cheapest available fare for each leg. They are going to hose you big time.

The airlines have now programmed the reservation systems to give you a much higher fare for the whole itinerary. You will save about one third of the cost of your flights if you book each ticket separately. A bit of a pain but if you’re sitting in your kitchen in your pyjamas, make yourself a nice cup of tea, grab a few cookies and while you’re sipping and dipping you will save a few hundred dollars.

Remember Zaidy Bernie? He’s off the radar. Nothing, nada, not a drop of news about him. Disappeared into the night. Let’s see if he actually campaigns for Hillary.

There’s a dude here in la belle province who needs a lobotomy. He’s severely allergic to fish. Severely. He went into a restaurant and ordered meat tartar. Blanche, that’s raw meat. Feh.

For whatever reason – stupidity, language barrier, inattentiveness, the waiter brought him fish tartar. We don’t know about you, but when we look down at a plate, we can definitely tell the difference between meat and fish. Well, this genius took a huge mouthful of said raw fish and got deathly ill. To add insult to injury, he left his epipen in his car. He pressed charges against the waiter.

Can we talk? The guy is a moron. If someone is so allergic to a specific food there are two choices to make – stay home or don’t go to a restaurant that serves any kind of fish. Brainwave.

Good Shabbos
We’ll talk…

Trump To The Rest of The World: I’m 97% Sure that No One Likes Me and I’m 100% Sure I Don’t Care

Anyone see the picture on the front page of the Montreal Gazette today? The young woman depicted was part of the black lives matter demonstration taking place in Nelson Mandela park. Blanche, this was the only picture they had?

Her mouth was insanely w  i  d  e-open (to put it mildly), obviously yelling something she deemed important. Behind her is a smiling woman on her phone, a couple walking arm in arm, a man just walking. All part of the same march. What exactly was the point of this picture?

To show how black people are oppressed? To highlight black lives matter?  Perhaps the photographer mistakenly thought this young woman was auditioning for a Broadway show. When newspapers print pictures of this ilk, it diminishes their credibility, as this picture did.

In the latest polls, Trump has taken the lead over Clinton. Can we talk? There is no doubt that Trump got what is termed a boost in the polls due to the laser-beam, brutally honest comments by Comey, the head of the FBI, calling her “extremely careless” in using a private email address and server and raising questions about her judgment.

This poll boost however is tenuous. Next week is the Republican convention where Trump will ostensibly be crowned the official nominee unless of course someone or some people try and upset Trump’s hour of glory. If that happens, it will give new meaning to the word ugly. But we digress.

If things go as planned, Trump will get another boost in the polls. Until Hillary’s moment of glory a couple of weeks later. That’s when she will be wearing the crown of her party, complete with Bernie nodding beside her. (Blanche, did you see Hillary nodding while Bernie endorsed her? She looked like a live bobble-head of herself. She’s really something very special.)

The gloves will then really be off and we will get a glimpse of the next few months of what will most likely be the most base (and no doubt crude) campaigns known to man.

Here’s a shout-out to Trump: Stick to the script dude. Keep harping on Hillary’s dishonesty, carelessness, lack of judgement and you’ll do fine. Start talking about flying mosquitoes, walls that will never be built and throwing out all the muslims and she will eat you alive.

Whatever you want to say about Trump, however much you dislike him you can’t change this fact: He appeals to the people. He has emotion. He sounds real even if he’s not. Hillary is stiff, cold, condescending and staged – and those are her good points.

Somebody got to Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Headlining the New York Times today was her non-apology to Donald Trump. Yes Blanche, you read that correctly. She ‘apologized’ for her stinging remarks calling Trump “a faker” who “really has an ego”, saying he had been treated too gently by the press. Mr. Trump “says whatever comes into his head at the moment” and has no consistency in his thinking.

Today she did an about-face. Verbatim: “On reflection, my recent remarks in response to press inquiries were ill-advised and I regret making them. Judges should avoid commenting on a candidate for public office. In the future I will be more circumspect.”

Those last few words are a giveaway. It’s like saying in the future I’ll keep my mouth shut because somebody laced into me big-time. Kind of reminds us of writing 100 times on a blackboard: In the future I will be more circumspect. In the future I will be more circumspect. In the future… Get it?

Somehow it ‘leaked’ out today that Mike Pence will be running alongside Trump. Ya just can’t keep a secret these days. So who is this dude?

For starters he’s calm, cool and collected which in Trump’s world can only be a good thing. Whether or not he will need a tranquilizer after spending a week with Trump is up in the air.

He’s an Irish Catholic who used to be a conservative radio talk show host (tamer than Limbaugh). Right now he’s the governor of Indiana. He’s has been married to his wife Karen for 31 years and has three children. So far so good. He’s white, has good  hair, albeit a bit short and no comb over. Still good and gets better.

He was a congressman for six terms who is a proven fundraiser with close ties to billionaire industrialists David and Charles Koch and their network of wealthy donors. Those dudes dropped Trump like a hot potato, so maybe with Pence on board, the money will start flowing again.

If you’re waiting for a juicy tidbit, here it is: This year Pence clashed with the local Catholic archdiocese by opposing the settlement of Syrian refugees in Indianapolis. Now you know why Trump picked him.

Theresa May, Great Britain’s new Prime Minister made her first appointment today and it’s a doozy. She named Boris Johnson as Foreign Minister. In case you don’t know about this dude, let’s just say he makes the late Rob Ford look tame.

Lest you think we are exaggerating, here are a few choice quotes of Johnson:

On Tony Blair visiting Africa, in 2002: “What a relief it must be for Blair to get out of England. It is said that the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies… That last word is, shall we delicately say, a derogatory word for black children.

Here’s what he said about Hillary: “She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.”

On Trump: He accused Mr Trump of being “out of his mind” and of possessing “stupefying ignorance”.

When he visited Kurdistan, Foreign Office staff had to pick up a hotel bar tab and stop Mr Johnson from driving a sports car out of a showroom. Then, get this, he insisted on visiting the front line in the fight against isis.

Obviously a deal was made before she took office and he dropped his run on said office. Guess May’s no Margaret Thatcher. Oh well.

In case the olympics in Rio de Janiero don’t have enough problems, here’s another one. France was informed of a planned terror attack on its team at the Olympic Games. They received this news from the head of French military intelligence.

Now get this one: There are no less than 85,000 security force members including 47,000 policemen and 38,000 soldiers ensuring the safety of 10,500 athletes and officials, journalists and tourists from around the world.

If you’re going there, we’re sure you now feel much better. As Blanche has said before previous games, get some popcorn, open your television, sit down on your couch and watch what you want in your own house.

Good Shabbos,
We’ll talk…

Trump’s New Motto: When Killing Them With Kindness Doesn’t Work, Try a Baseball Bat. Results May Vary.

The world will have to wait until tomorrow to find out if Great Britain will stay in the European Union or leave. The odds are that they will stay. When push comes to shove, fear of the unknown is much greater than dealing with the issues at hand. If the Brits vote to stay put, it will definitely put a damper on Scotland, Ireland and Quebec’s desire to be the king of their castles. If it goes the other way – hold onto your hat cause the ride is going to be wild.

If the city could do more to make the lives of those who actually have to get somewhere more miserable, it’s news to us. No matter where you turn, no matter which small side street you think is not part of the orange cone festival, you get caught.

Today we went to fetch our laundry from the cleaners. Sorry maam, it’s not ready. The city turned off our water – with no warning – for almost two days to ‘fix’ something. It was supposed to have gone on today at 1:00 pm but it didn’t go back on until 4:00 pm. Go do something.

Now we hear that the main north south thoroughfare (the Decarie Expressway) in Montreal will be closed for a few weekends in July. Seems the geniuses are demolishing an overpass and they don’t want concrete to fall on the cars. Can we talk?

Why can’t they work 24 hours a day, seven days a week and get this job done in a few days? Why must they drag this out and basically kill any business going downtown.

Wait, just wait until this is almost finished and, like the ‘super’ hospital they find out – zut alors – they forgot to do something key, like build a ramp somewhere. Right now there is no wifi in the super hospitals. They are changing servers to fix the issue but you can bet your bippy they have to break a contract to do it and pay through the nose to get the problem fixed.

We are told the orange cone festival is due to years of structural neglect. Here’s a headline: We’re going to suffer for a lot longer as our mayor is still on his spending spree and this obviously includes the orange cone festival.

CNN has hired Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s ex-campaign manager as a political commentator. Ya think he’ll have what to say about the Donald?

Don’t look for Trump today or tomorrow.
He’s in Scotland opening his second golf course. Seems that people in the area are still suing him over the first golf course he opened. Some people are so aggravated with him that they are flying Mexican flags. Someone should tell them that Trump doesn’t give a rats if they fly themselves on a flagpole. He does what he wants, how he wants and when he wants.

Oh yes, one more thing. They don’t have a vote in the election.

Bernie Sanders finally saw the light. “It doesn’t look like I will be the nominee.” Ya think? So what’s he going to do now? Support Hillary? He can’t seem to get the words out quite yet. It’s either campaign for her or go back to Verrrrrmont and watch the grass grow and the cows moo on the Ben and Jerry farm.

The geffufelment is over regarding the renaming of the Vimy Park to the Jacques Parizeau Park. If anyone thought that the bigoted city council of Outremont was going to vote any other way we have swampland in Florida to sell you.

That council hates ethnics and money. Sound familiar? That’s what Parizeau said when he lost the referendum. All da fault of doze etnics and da rich people. Or to say it another way, if you are not a pure unadulterated catholic french canadian, you don’t count.

There is already a building named after him and there will most likely be a large street named after him shortly as well. As for the idiotic gazebo honoring Mordechai Richler, here’s the scoop Mabel: Richler is a juif and anglo. He got under their skin and they don’t want to honor him with anything. Under duress and pressure, they agreed to the gazebo but you can see for yourself how much they wanted to build it.

Ever hear the saying where there’s smoke there’s fire?
Rumors are flying that PK Suban is going to be traded from Montreal to Edmonton or some other place with money. He has a $72 million contract that has a no trade clause starting July 1. We still have a week to go and let’s bet he’s gone before that. The only thing that will remain in Montreal is his name in the Children’s Hospital.

It’s pretty obvious that his big mouth and very loud lifestyle is getting under the skin of the dry, boring and completely ineffective Montreal Canadiens management.