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Thick Thighs Thelma

Canada’s foreign minister, John Baird resigned today. As far as most people knew, he was a close confident of Harper. So why did he quit? Here are some scenarios put forth: He’s now 45 years old. Because he left today, he will be able to collect his pension, for life of course, at the age of 55 years old. How much will he get? Glad you asked. $100,000 a year.

Now, had he left next year, that pension would not kick in until he was 65 years old. He would have lost a cool $1 million for the love of his country. Oooh. Now that’s a tough one.

The other scenario is that he’s stepping away from politics to be able to return in a few years and run for the big prize. He will have amassed some nice money in the private sector as well as some experience. Then of course there’s the scenario that we don’t know about yet. Stay tuned.

Can we rant about the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children? We have no doubt that these same parents believe that UFO’s land in Missouri while making circles in the wheat fields as well as seeing little men run out of spaceships. Ignorant would be the operative word here.

They are basing their information about the vaccinations on an elaborately fraudulent study done in Great Britain. The entire study was retracted. It was done by a dude by the name of Dr. Andrew Wakefield who was subsequently stripped of his medical license. Parents who do not vaccinate their children should move to the fields in Missouri where their children will only have contact with little green men.

Now here’s a surprise. Those herbal supplements people have been buying in Walmart, Target and GNC are fakes. Blanche, you’re kidding. Not. Those store-brand ginkgo biloba memory enhancer tablets contain mustard, wheat, radish and other substances decidedly non-herbal in nature, but they’re not likely to contain any actual ginkgo biloba.

So if you think your memory is getting better then you were duped. Wait, it gets worse.

Contamination, substitution and falsely labeling herbal products constitute deceptive business practices and, more importantly, present considerable health risks for consumers. Basically if you have an allergy to say, wheat, and you bought that ginkgo business, you could get pretty sick and you still won’t remember why. Hehehehehe. Remember last week we gave you the timeline for the death of Alberto Nisman, the lawyer trying to get to the bottom of the bombing in the Jewish community center in Argentina. Remember we told you that the reporter who broke the story of the death of Nisman had to run for his life as he thought we would murdered next? Well here ya go: Nisman had drafted a warrant for the arrest of President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, accusing her of trying to shield Iranian officials from responsibility in the 1994 bombing of a Jewish center here, the lead investigator into his death said Tuesday. The documents were found in Nisman’s garbage.

The investigation into Mr. Nisman’s death is proceeding as theories swirl in Argentina about whether it was a suicide or a killing. Mrs. Kirchner has suggested that Mr. Nisman’s death is part of a plot to tarnish her government. We will venture a guess that the truth will eventually emerge – sooner than later and that the government of Argentina may fall because of it.

A fully renovated penthouse near the top of the Trump International Hotel and Tower, with picture-book park, river and cityscape views from each of its oversize windows, sold for $33,000,000. It was the most expensive sale of the week, according to city records. It must have been pocket change for the person who bought it. Oh yes, that person’s identity is not being made public. Let’s guess who bought it?

A sheik from Saudi Arabia? Jack Ma, the richest person in China? Some Russian mafia dude? Na, not the Russian. Their money is in gehkate tzouris. Maybe Mark Zuckerberg? Na, not his style. We’ll bet the sheik or Ma. Remember Chip Wilson? He’s was the founder and owner of Lululemon. Well, now that he was booted from his own company, he has decided to open another one. He’ll be selling functional, durable luxury clothing, the operative word here being luxury. So a ‘cozy chic’ blanket wrap sweater, wool and cashmere will sell for a cool $488. A white men’s T-shirt with some cashmere will set you back $84. Can we talk?

For sure only skinny people will be able to buy Wilson’s new stuff as he has a distaste for people like Thelma with thick thighs etc. Can we talk? We have a distaste for people like Wilson who judge people by what they look like. Feh.

We’ll talk…

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